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I remember everything being abstract when I was younger. That song "At Last" by Etta James had such an IMPACT on me that really, really can't be described with words alone. It's like, that song had a direct connection with my inner soul. My mom showed me a lot of songs growing up playing them and me just kinda absorbing the information into my brain.

Stanley was the name of her boyfriend at the time. Always playing video games and watching cartoons, I guess that kinda became the basis of my personality as I ended up being a very eccentric mother fucker that was either enjoying video games and cartoons/comics recreationally or I was helping creating them.

All I ever wanted to do was have fun and not be interfered in doing so, so I guess as I got older I looked for ways to make money off of having fun, doing things that I was passsionate about.

My dad was kinda a control freak, so was my mom and that always scared the fuck outta me of the idea of people controlling what I could and could not do with how I could spend my time, despite loving them both to death. I guess at the end of the day the video games and cartoons/animations/art/comics were my path to happiness, maybe because I felt comfort in it and my brain felt stimulated by the new experiences that naturally came out of those forms of entertainment. There was a lot of thought provoking humor and perspective, philosophy even that came out of it.

I just remember it making me have fun. And that's all I ever really wanted. I just wanted to feel free and have fun enjoying things that stimulated my brain.

I started sort of remembering things at the age of 4-5. Maybe I started my life on the wrong foot as the school I went to cheered for me in kindergarten and that's why I pursued into that specific school district. At the same time, I wouldn't have the friends I have now and the life experiences and be the person I am now if it weren't for everything that happned as a result of that. In a way I'm grateful but realistic about the fact that I'm not all that happy nowadays.

Anyway.

I really liked cartoons/anime and video games growing up. Probably the best things about my childhood. I also liked hanging out outside and exploring the world and going to the store to the gas station getting snacks. My interests were always, ALWAYS the things that made me connect with people. I also thought girls looked pretty, apparently.

But above all the serious, intense music and dramatic display from the forms of entertainment I had growing up really made me had both hope and a strong sense of purpose of life that pretty much shaped my personality.

My dad was also a big fan of jazz, small independent musicians, coffee shops, and the internet. That's probably another huge contributor of my personality and why I work at a coffee shop. He wanted me to live alongside people that didn't particularly look exactly like me and I think that's another thing that truly stuck with me along with my care for animals and the planet.

If anything, I'd say once I hit middle school I really wanted to start creating things once I saw what other people were sharing for free and were getting recognized for. I liked the idea of promoting creativity and originality. I even ran a website to promote other people's creativity and to a lesser degree my own.

High school and my first semester of college was all about trying to figure out how to create things that I cared about, and from the moment I dropped out of college I decided it was all I wanted to do. Maybe I was just heavily influenced in my early life but I genuinely felt a sense of excitement and contentment from participating in forms of entertainment that sought to bring the viewer a sense of depth.

Depth is very hard to explain but I keep coming back to this word lately and I feel it's necessary to describe depth as a result of creativity. Creativity is this sort of ability to add depth, where depth is the abundance of new experiences that a person is unfamiliar with yet can bring them joy. Depth is the concept that a person can tranverse in an environment in which they have either not explored at all or not explored enough to understand or know everything there is to know about it. Depth in a way is an experience, and new experiences are sort of the point of life and existence itself anyway. We manifest as human being so we can experience what it's like to be human. We live the experiences of humans for the sake of it, it's essentially self-explanatory and self-manifesting as most things are.

Anyway.

I suppose I didn't really have much terrible things happen to me growing up and I'm grateful for that. I guess at the end of the day I'm just trying to find a way to have fun and enjoy the time I have with the people who's company I genuinely enjoy while delving into worthwhile experiences that make me feel safe yet simultaneously adventurous. Emotions are very nuanced and can't necessarily be explained with words alone, because there are a lot of experiences and memories that I have with emotions attached to them with no possible way to translate those emotions into the english language. My brain has been stimulated in a way that has so far been impossible to find vocabulary that is synonymous with my inner emotions attached to experiences with the world around me.

I guess you could say I just want to feel like I have what I want (whatever that is), and be satisfied with that until I die.

That's all.